Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wow I Thought It Would Get Easier!

So it is that time of year again when I am really happy and really sad at the same time. I love Christmas! I love everything about it! It is my favorite time of year, but it is also the most difficult time of year for me as well. If you can believe it or not it has been 3 years tomorrow since we lost our sweet little Hunter. I think that it has been harder on me this year than last year. You would think the longer it has been the easier it would get! Nope not in my case :) My heart is aching to be able to hold him and love on him.

He would have been 5 this year. He would always say "I can't wait until I am 5 so I can go to school with all the big kids." He was a really smart boy and was super excited to start school as well as play sports just like his older cousins. He would always love to go to their soccer games and after they were over he would say "can I play soccer just like them when I am 5". Maybe that is why this year has been harder than the last. I think one of the hardest things for me is attending any of my nieces and nephews concerts, sports events, etc. It breaks my heart that he was never able to participate in any of these activities and that he was so excited to turn 5 so he can be just like his cousins.

We went to the cemetery today to put some Christmas decorations up and to put some fresh flowers on his grave. Of course I have been teary eyed all day. Being at worked helped in that department keeping my mind busy.

One of my friends today text me to see if there was anything she could do for me and if I minded that she brought me flowers. The only response I could say was that I am just happy that she remembers and that he is not forgotten. Her response to that was that if it was important to me that it was important to her. I am thankful to have such great friends.

Kaleb doesn't quite understand where Hunter is at. McKensie called him brother a few days ago and he says "no I am not brother, brother is sick and points to the picture of Hunter" We are working on trying to explain to him but he is still little and doesn't quite understand.

Jeff and I are working on being able to go to the Temple so that we can be sealed to our kids. This is our goal that we are setting ourselves to meet this next coming year. I would love nothing more to know that we are sealed to our children for all eternity. It breaks my heart right now to know that we are not yet sealed to my sweet little Hunter! However, I do know that he is with us and will be watching and helping us meet this goal.

I think that this has been the hardest thing that the Lord has tested me with. However, I do know that he does not throw anything at us that we can not handle. I just keep thinking that I am so sad and hurt that we lost Hunter but extremely happy that Kaleb was saved. I remember the day of Hunter's funeral I was sitting by Kaleb's bed side holding his hand waiting for someone to come sit with him so he wouldn't have to be alone. When all of the sudden he opened one of his eyes. The day we layed our oldest son to rest it was sort of like our other son was born again. I think the lord works in mysterious ways. I really believe having Kaleb come out of the coma that specific day was the lord's gift to us to help get us through the toughest trial in our life.

So I have been rambling on, and on but I do feel better being able to share my thoughts and feelings. Life is precious and we all need to live it to the fullest. We never know what the lord has in store for us.

6 comments:

scrapmom4 said...

Oh Tammie...I wish I could run over and hug you right now. I'm sad I never got to know Hunter. I do love your two other sweeties, though.
(((hugs)))

Jill said...

"Time heals all wounds" is not true in this case. I'm so proud of you for writing out your feelings. No one expects you to be "over" missing Hunter. Its like we have talked about before, most days you are ok but because he is never far from your mind, there are random things that will set the tears in motion. It's normal. It's healthy! You're his mom... it's ok to miss him... and so important for you to get him sealed to you so you can have him in eternity. I'm glad you are aiming for that. I want to be there!

Tyler and Andrea said...

Oh Tammy! I'm so happy to hear that you guys are working towards being sealed. What a great promise that we can live eternally with our family FOREVER. I bet little Hunter is much antisipating for that day to come!

I am sad that I never got to meet little Hunter. What a sweet boy with a sweet smile.

Emily Ruth said...

Tammie,
I wanted you to know I've been thinking of you these last few days. Now reading your blog, I realize why my thoughts have been in your direction. I'm sorry. It just keeps hurting...
sending love,
emily

Emily Ruth said...

and i forgot to say what a beautiful decision to be sealed to your family. I know Hunter will be helping from his side to get you all there~

ktp said...

I still miss Hunter too. Im so grateful for your and jeff's strength because its been an inspiration for me in ways you wouldnt know. He's looking over and after each and everyone of us. i love you tammie!